oh, and btw, thanks for the pep talks guys! yall are wonderful people! You really brightened my day!

Phil 1:6

well, it's official! I have been officially given the job. along with all it's problems. woo. I will go there twice this next week, and after saturday, i work at Heath. they told me my salary. he specifically told me to keep it to myself, so i will tell you all in code. double ducks, 2 infinities, and a goose egg. or for the language illiterate, it's veinte dos mil, ocho cientos ochenta. there, i feel better, and you are left in obscurity. yeah. that salary is baseline, and on top of that, i get 1% of whatever the department makes in a year. Last year, this store did $300,000, which would translate to $3000 in commission. that would effectively be, uh, veinte seis mil! o would be walking on air if we did that!!! woo!

well, he told me today that another evening part timer resigned at my NEW store...so it will be me, a day part-timer, and 2 evening on-call people (who aren't supposed to have more than, like 10 hours a MONTH). we are down a full time, and two evening part time positions. (anyone need a job working for a really cool manager? ;D;D;D) so it will be a challenge. stephanie is going to be working many nights, methinks!

i sold $4844 today. that makes it into the category of "good". anything to impress the new boss!!!

okay, before yall get really worried about me, i'll give you a quick update. I am taking the job. i would be crazy not to. the salary, and departmental commission will be worth my while. It will be a challenge, but with a beer every now and then, i can get through it. j/k

I decided to feel good about it. four months ago, Daniel (aka whiggy) told me i had a very long way to go to be ready for my own store. now he asked me to apply for this promotion. That is really cool!! THat makes me feel good. *Stephanie pauses to feel good* it doesn't mean i have to stop looking for something better, i just am taking a step up in the mean time. I was afraid that getting into management in retail would cement me into it, and i would never be able to get a job outside of retail ever again, but i am beginning to think that any management experience is good experience. And only God knows what he has planned for me.

and also this: These past 2 days have been MISERABLE because i admitted to myself i needed help. okay, nothing wrong with that, except (and i have done this before) I let getting help be an excuse for not fighting anymore. Like i was somehow shifting all my weapons to someone else, and was already counting on them to fight for me, *even though i hadn't even gone to one session yet!!* so i sat on the couch for two days feeling sorry for myself because i needed help. how pathetic. so i picked my weapons all back up, and admitted to myself that about 90% of the reason i don't want this job is that i am afraid. it's risky, and unknown, and i might not succeed. I will make mistakes. I have made so many before, i am tired of making them. but what would life be with no risk? no challenge? BORING! and not even as pain free as one would hope! It's like being stressed because you don't have enough stressors in you life--it's stressful to not have any stress.

...so i guess you could say "No pain, pain"... err, something like that...

so i'm taking the stupid job. The store is in Newark, in a little town called Heath. i will have to drive an hour to work each way, but from what i understand, that is not atypical for managers in this reigon, most of them drive at least an hour to work. it is a real mall, with a decent food court, and i won't have to pay for parking, walk two city blocks from my car to work, or have to sell jewelry to street bums!

okay, i am off to see men in black II...i will tell yall what i think!

it has been a while. sorry, i was out of town. happy vacation. i had a chance to get out into "God's country" , and it always brings a new perspective to me. I decided (along with the persuasive speeches of my parents) that i need help. I may not be a nerotic wacko, but it does seem that i am on a somewhat less than healthy track, emotionally, and i need to get back. So i called my church about getting some counseling (I hate that word!) i can't be penciled in till the 18th. I told them i would let them know when i got my new schedule.

then i got another call. from my boss's boss. (otherwise know as "whiggy" in previous posts....) he called to offer me a job. I should be happy, i guess. All i could do was weep hysterically as soon as i hung up the phone. I was starting to make goals while i was out of town. Goals that centered around getting the HECK out of retail by this christmas. I even was starting to formulate a game plan to make a step to doing it. now this happenes. I don't really want the job. or am i just afraid to take it? It would be crazy to turn it down. it is, afterall, a promotion to dept. manager, a raise, salary, and the reason i joined a MANAGER IN TRAINING PROGRAM. but i don't think i want it. I don't like retail, and i noticed a tendancy to be very good at operations, and not very good at managing people. I don't know why that is, but that was one of the reasons i am seeking counseling!!! I don't think i am in an emotional place that i could do this very well. but i guess the few weeks cindi was on leave convinced him otherwise. but that was before my new perspective...perhapse i should get my old one back?? i don't even know anymore! I kinda think it's unfair to offer this to me after i have been away for a week and a half, and have a foggy recolection of what it really feels like to be there. he already tried to get me to cancel my second week of vacation in july!! (I told him, basically, no way in hell, and he backed off...) this was all stuff i was beginning to hope i could have some help figuring out, but now i don't have that luxury...i have to give him an answer tomorrow. and i can't talk to my parents, (they are still in Canada) and i don't know where else to turn. and crying doesn't help, i have already tried that.

i really would be crazy to turn it down. despite it being an hour drive to work every day, it would solve a lot of problems...okay only one problem, money, which is a pretty big problem. i was just starting to really get used to the people, even Cory.

I don't want to make a commitment like this unless i know i will be there for a while! I will be their third manager since february! i won't take it unless i summon up the willingness to be there for a while. is it fair to give them a manager who is seeking emotional counseling? i don't know.

some people would give an eye for this offer, i'll bet. i just don't know if it fits with what i wanted--the way my life should take shape.

perhapse a clean slate will erase my timidity too. new store, new game, new chance. but i won't know that until i accept the offer, and try it. and what if it doesn't?


someone call me, i need to talk.