it has been a while. sorry, i was out of town. happy vacation. i had a chance to get out into "God's country" , and it always brings a new perspective to me. I decided (along with the persuasive speeches of my parents) that i need help. I may not be a nerotic wacko, but it does seem that i am on a somewhat less than healthy track, emotionally, and i need to get back. So i called my church about getting some counseling (I hate that word!) i can't be penciled in till the 18th. I told them i would let them know when i got my new schedule.

then i got another call. from my boss's boss. (otherwise know as "whiggy" in previous posts....) he called to offer me a job. I should be happy, i guess. All i could do was weep hysterically as soon as i hung up the phone. I was starting to make goals while i was out of town. Goals that centered around getting the HECK out of retail by this christmas. I even was starting to formulate a game plan to make a step to doing it. now this happenes. I don't really want the job. or am i just afraid to take it? It would be crazy to turn it down. it is, afterall, a promotion to dept. manager, a raise, salary, and the reason i joined a MANAGER IN TRAINING PROGRAM. but i don't think i want it. I don't like retail, and i noticed a tendancy to be very good at operations, and not very good at managing people. I don't know why that is, but that was one of the reasons i am seeking counseling!!! I don't think i am in an emotional place that i could do this very well. but i guess the few weeks cindi was on leave convinced him otherwise. but that was before my new perspective...perhapse i should get my old one back?? i don't even know anymore! I kinda think it's unfair to offer this to me after i have been away for a week and a half, and have a foggy recolection of what it really feels like to be there. he already tried to get me to cancel my second week of vacation in july!! (I told him, basically, no way in hell, and he backed off...) this was all stuff i was beginning to hope i could have some help figuring out, but now i don't have that luxury...i have to give him an answer tomorrow. and i can't talk to my parents, (they are still in Canada) and i don't know where else to turn. and crying doesn't help, i have already tried that.

i really would be crazy to turn it down. despite it being an hour drive to work every day, it would solve a lot of problems...okay only one problem, money, which is a pretty big problem. i was just starting to really get used to the people, even Cory.

I don't want to make a commitment like this unless i know i will be there for a while! I will be their third manager since february! i won't take it unless i summon up the willingness to be there for a while. is it fair to give them a manager who is seeking emotional counseling? i don't know.

some people would give an eye for this offer, i'll bet. i just don't know if it fits with what i wanted--the way my life should take shape.

perhapse a clean slate will erase my timidity too. new store, new game, new chance. but i won't know that until i accept the offer, and try it. and what if it doesn't?


someone call me, i need to talk.